I Don't Always Understand (my own heart)
(photo from personal files)
Coming to grips with the fact that I am on the same wavelength as a guy who lives an exact opposite kind of lifestyle as me (without getting into details), and spending a rather large swath of time with him without much friction, reveals something about the state of things in my own life. I see myself reflecting back at me, especially the parts where I've willfully pushed people away. But all you need in life, sometimes, is that one friend who comes around long enough to show you the self-inflicted damage you mete out upon yourself because you see them doing the exact same thing. I experienced this dynamic when my friend (from a previous post) came to town. It wasn't too long before I realized he lives on the edge of all things, much like I've been doing, but he's been out there (very far out there) on that edge for much much longer than me. I see the consequences of this on his life and then I have no choice but to examine my own life. I've been to some pretty dark places since 2020, mostly as a consequence of fear of one form or another. But I don't want to (and didn't) stay out on that edge for long and I can see that I have worked my way back from the brink as methodically and intentionally as humanly possible. I don't know how he's endured this process as long as he has, but guys don't think the same way I do, nor feel the same ways that I feel, or so it seems to me. Living on the brink of things doesn't affect him the same way it would me. In comparison, I noticed that I still keep a home the same way I did when I was married. I cook supper. I wash the dishes. I sweep the floor. I take care of things. In other words, I pulled myself back to where I feel I thrive and I thrive when I undertake the endeavour of creating a happy and cozy home. I do it for myself if no one else, now. Not everyone values that sort of thing, but I value it above all. Hearth-Witch, am I. Self-proclaimed. I am quite pleased with this revelation. I didn't really think about it until someone was in my kitchen watching me cook a meal.
It took a very long time to centre myself. Daily, I confronted the same fears that my friend is now confronting and somewhere within that process, I confronted myself most of all. That was the hardest part of it all, as a matter of fact. I am certainly not perfect, but I see that my intentions have caused me to make good choices, overall, in terms of rebuilding my life. It took a long time, but doors are opening up for me again. I can see a path forward. The fog is clearing. Things are starting to feel more and more under control and stable for me. I am beginning to feel like myself again. The dust is settling.
I have mentioned many many times that I believe in cycles; therein I see the handiwork of God. So when this friend of mine came to town, I see where he made his choices and where they have lead him and I see where I've made mine as well. Somehow, we both ended up in the same place at the same time. I saw all the ways in which he resists good things, much the same way I used to when I was seething with anger and broiling with heartbreak. Having the opportunity to juxtapose my feelings towards my friend, who I have known for a very long time, against that of the ways I've felt regarding my divorce, I can now safely say my ex-husband broke my heart beyond all recognition. He didn't just break it, he shattered it to shards of searing hot glass. It is truly unbelievable to think someone would want to hurt me so deliberately and so deeply, but here we are and that is exactly what he has done. I have told people that I can't feel anything, sometimes. It is no wonder. There is an awful lot of scar tissue from the damage that was done (damage on top of damage). But, something about being in proximity of someone who is so familiar to me and who has known me for so long, I see the priceless value of a friend. Parts of me that were not doing so well seemed to come to life in the last few days. I felt like I had a comrade, a buddy, someone who enjoys spending time with me owning largely in part to the fact that his physical presence was in my home and therefore, not something I could ignore. I need this kind of face-to-face interaction, but my life has been lacking in that very thing, lately. It's been a rare thing for me. I wouldn't allow anyone to get that close to me before now. But it has been a powerfully cathartic experience and the reason for this is because I can make sense of what I went through, now that I have something to compare it to.
A broken heart is no joke. In hindsight, I see how a broken heart can kill a person. I am sure I almost died from mine being so hopelessly broken, but the operative word is almost. I survived it, to the great disappointment of my ex-husband, no doubt.
My friend has gone back home and I am at this very moment savouring my solitude. I marvel at people who seem to always want to be around other people. I can't take much socializing and I never could. So, I am glad to have my apartment back to myself again, but the echoes of hours of talking, sharing music, stories, and laughter whisper in the back of my mind. This really happened. The chance to make things right with someone I hurt pretty badly a long time ago presented itself to me. I seized this opportunity and as we walked this path together for a few days, we found ourselves bathed in sunlight amidst absolutely epic natural splendour. I was afraid I would fall head over heels in love with this guy, like I once did. That did not happen and I am relieved. I have matured and know enough to know I cannot change a man and I am not looking for the opportunity to try. Nevertheless, all the natural beauty that surrounded us during our visit must have been a positive sign of some kind that I can forgive myself for not always understanding my own heart.
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