Signed and Sealed (In Blood)
It was my (everyone's) beloved Jeff Buckley and his rendition of Satisfied Mind that caused me to know the pursuit of happiness, in its calculations, should never be lead by the love of money or financial gain. I am not against wealth, but I know wealth comes in many forms and often, the ones who have a lot of money are usually bankrupt in more integral parts of their character. Having such a backwards life to begin with, it seemed to me that Jeff offered sound advice from a mind of clarity and a heart of genuine depth. I followed that advice, especially when it comes to being an artist. Being an artist requires a person to wear many masks and to play many different kinds of games with their work and expectations from those who consume the work. I may be small potatoes but I keep my ears and eyes open to the game, nonetheless. Though I can barely see over the dashboard, metaphorically speaking, I have a good sense of the road.
The inception of this project began just as the rest of my life was falling apart and I have a theory about this clashing of events. I have wondered many many times, in tapping into this vein of investigation caused the vibrational landscape around me to shift exponentially, if I thereby rendered it impossible for things to NOT change. If I could paint a picture of what it felt like for me in the April 2020 timeframe to today, I would compare it to being energetically keelhauled and the sad fact is, a part of me had certainly worked hard enough to endure such disciplinary action. I was in a very bad state, heading in a very bad direction. I was systematically throwing myself away, moment by moment. Then, there came a point where something pulled me back in the opposite direction and this event coincides with the timeframe in which an entirely new side of my mind seemed to open up before my very eyes, as it where. All that was tangible drifted through my fingers like sand in a clenched fist while all the world within my mind was forming itself, line upon line. Word upon word. Beat up beat. Dance moves, walking, singing. I have had fun along this road, make no mistake. It is very strange.
So, everything fell apart and I set about the task of putting it all back together again. Well, me and all the King's horses and all the King's men (or so it goes). When it comes to chasing wealth, I have realized something significant in these last few days. I have seen my family become so broken and so shattered that I clearly comprehend the fact that we are operating at a level that is just below our ability to tap into the mainstreams of wealth and success and I believe the reasons for that rest within the heart of the family name itself. My mind goes to The Elliott Curse, which I have discussed at length, and all the associated pain that coincides with the inherent power of such an ugly thing. This is what my family has to grapple the on one side of things, but on the other (the patriarchal side of our family tree) we have a lineage of men, all gone well before their time, leaving us without leadership for a very long time. And so my family just does what it can to survive and sometimes we do that well, but other times we do not.
I felt a wave of darkness come across the land in 2020 and I feared for myself as well as my children (who are in their 20s) and to this moment, I often wonder if the events that unfolded to separate us were not for their benefit and safety because it certainly felt like we were being pursued and as any mother would, I did what I could to keep my children out of the line of fire, bearing the brunt of the blame for every bad thing that has ever happened in the entire world, as a consequence. Oh well. My shoulders are not broad whatsoever, but my spine is strong and my will is too and my desire to slay this looming dark cloud is very powerful. There is a reason for everything. Circumstances are what they are and the reasons for this project is not to gain success in the traditional sense. Rather, it was my last ditch attempt to reach into the psyche of my family as a whole, to alert them to the reasons why we struggle and to hopefully also highlight the fact that when much is required, much is also given. What we have been given is a gift of love and creativity and above average intelligence. We have been handed down the love of generations from parents and grandparents who did their best to love, even though each day of life was like being caught in the fray of a battle of one variety or another.
And then there is my father; poised for success in every possible way with his invention; his hybrid-super-power-speed machine. He had the looks. He had the brains. He had the personality. He had it all. And in a flash, it was all gone. He was ripped from this world so quickly, it is very hard to comprehend how a life-force such as his could be swept away, just like that. Meanwhile, my mother and sisters and I become damaged goods. Shrapnel scars remain where the love of a father should be. And speaking of the love of a father, our father loved us. He loved everyone. Everyone loved him.
Why did this have to happen? As a consequence, we have never had the luxury of walking the earth on the same footing as other families. War torn in our own way, we have been like a family of refugees, not sure where we belong, exactly.
But this project has taken root. Something very new has started to grow. These seeds I have been planting for years now finally took hold and in this process, a brand new thing has occurred. My beloved cousin, who I wrote about HERE did something quite remarkable, which soothed my heart in a way nothing ever has. It was palpable, almost like something told me I could finally take a breath and relax. The reason for this is because, on the night of the Harvest Moon, my cousin went to the cemetery where his mother and my father are buried (and have been there since we were babies). My grandmother is buried there as well as many other relatives, all of whom have been an important part of my life, but have all passed away one by one. But I know my cousin has been doing some thinking and I know he sees the story from his own perspective enough to see that it is up to him, as one who bears our grandfather's name, to step into a role that only his shoes can fill. He went to our family cemetery plot and tended to things that needed tended to. He took the time to clean the lichen and moss away from the grooves of the letters which form my father's name. He polished the stone until it looked brand new. He did many other things too, but that particular gesture, as well as the care he showed to his own father's gravestone, rang out into all eternity, I am quite sure. The funny thing is, I was out that night as well, driving along country roads, taking pictures of the same moon. Over the winds and across the fields, as the crow flies, there he was, cleaning off my father's very name. This means our minds were on the exact same trail that night, but he didn't know that. As he was doing this, I was out driving around, thinking about my father (thinking and thinking and thinking).
This gesture of acknowledgement of reverence towards my father bears a significance in the spirit realm that is akin to the rudder of a ship shifting itself to set the vessel back on course. I felt the immediate change within my soul. I swear I did. I know my father is close by and keeping his eye on things, always. And I know my father and my cousin's father were best of friends. So, if there is any way at all that they can be together, keeping their eye on us all, I am positive they would do it. One living a lifetime of grief in this realm and the other, carrying the burden of separation from his family far too soon in the next realm. I was only 18 months old when my father died, to give you an idea of the timing. My cousin was roughly the same age when he lost his mother and his older brother.
This project is about resurrection. It is about bringing the loved ones we lost to life, which we can do through memory, stories, music, and by caring for each other, above all. This has always been my mandate when it comes to the ways in which I navigate life and lately, I have achieved success I never dreamt possible. I have achieved a sense of peace and connection and I find comfort in knowing I have raised the alarm bell to other family members, which I hope will ring out, far and wide. The men in our family who died too soon or who were buried too early in grief and loss were operating under a mighty burden, but they carried on until they had no choice. They walked their path, however littered with brambles it may have been. They kept going.
Looking back, I can see beyond the shadow of a doubt that something has been nipping at our collective heels for generations, but I am smart enough to know that there is a reason for that. If all this evil is trying to drown a family that is otherwise very good, then something is definitely afoot, amiss, or whatever you want to say. Fighting that imbalance is what I seek to do. I will kill this proverbial beast, somehow. I will bring it down, whatever the hell it is that bounds us to the darkness.
I promise you, I will. I swear.
If my family begins to see the battle we are in for our very lives, then this project will not be in vain. As soon as my family acknowledges, even to themselves, their own inherent value and the love they carry within themselves from the generations that have gone on before them, then this project will not be in vain. And while the intentions of this project seem to resonate on a universal scale, to serve as a beacon which guided spirits back to their borders as the old days came to a close and something brand new was birthed into the world during that global vibrational shift that occurred in 2020, then this project has most definitely not been in vain.
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I am satisfied. I got what I came for.
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And to my cousin and his son; I cannot thank you enough for making sure the foundation of my father's stone secure again. That was a very important thing to do, in all the ways that matter. It would not be the same if I had done it. We need the men in our family to step up and lead us out of this darkness and that's exactly what you have done.
Onward, we sail. Amen. Hallelujah.
🌹🌹🌹🌹
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