Sticks and Stones (New Moon in November)
When you put on the right glasses (metaphorically as well as literally), you can see the world in stark contrasts and you see the root of bitterness, jealously, strife, envy, greed, and so on, flourish within certain individuals. Very recently it has been brought to my attention that some folks in the town where I went to high school are generating the source of gossip and poison that is hurting me and my spirit, daily. As it festers and flows down a mountain of bullshit so rank it would make you puke if you weren't already so accustomed to breathing in these noxious fumes from decades ago, I sit in the quiet of my apartment, doing my best to take care of myself even though I am in emotional pain almost round the clock. The thing is, as far as I can tell, they seek to villainize me in order to stave off the inevitable, which is looking at oneself in the mirror before judging anyone else. I know this, so I just wait. I wait and see how it will all come to an end. I wait to see who has the courage to face the truth and who does not. It is not easy, so I guess its a survival-of-the-fittest kind of scenario.
I took the time to start doing that very thing way back in 2018 when I knew my life was shaping up to be sort of like a small vessel and that vessel was heading for the rocks. I prepared myself for the impact and even then, nothing could prepare me for the reality of confronting the depths of my own mind. It's sometimes a scary place in there.
Outwardly, however, it is less scary. My home is peaceful and beautiful. My bills are paid enough to keep the wolves at bay, for now at least. I am doing everything I can do to stay afloat and doing my best to stay out of trouble with the trouble-makers, which is the most challenging part of all.
I keep an eye on who and what it is that brings chaos into my life. It rears its ugly head often, from sources that spring up all over the place. Few and far between are the folks who seem to value the same things I value. Chief among them is a peaceful environment where I feel safe.
I have realized those who seek to undermine me are actually dealing with problems of their own. Mental health issues, addiction, financial shortcomings, fear of failure, fear of success, and so on. Whatever their problems are, I have noticed a pattern and that pattern is this; everyone seems to blame me or assume there's something about me that is to blame for their problems. This is signified by the rampant gossip and the endless attention I get for all the things I've done wrong versus the many things I've done right.
The most abhorrent aspect of all of this is the fact that people do not and have not hesitated to use my kids as fodder to bolster their stance against me, but the thing they fail to realize is I am the one who raised those remarkable young adults who everyone is using to fortify their own inability to admit they have done some rather tasteless things to an otherwise rather innocent person (me). Throwing me under the bus, however, means the one who dares rock the boat can serve as scapegoat for all the shortcomings that have arose in terms of how the young men in their family (which they sort of raised but not really) failed to thrive quite as well as my kids do... I guess? They fail to have the manners and articulations and intelligence that my kids do. They also fail to have the grace and fortitude my kids have. But, they see these qualities and use them as some sort of underhanded boon to their own position in this world against me. As if to say my influence was not their main influence, but I know for a fact that it was and I know this because I was the one who navigated our day-to-day life when we were struggling with poverty, lack of basic necessities and weekend alcoholism and so on as they were growing up. I am the one who brought them into this world, I would like to remind everyone out there. Did you forget that part? And somehow, in some mysterious kind of way, they grew to be...? Decent people. Why do you take their decency for granted?
I am not the type to shove anything under the rug and that's what people don't like about me (to name one of many, most likely). But my questions is this? Why are you all creating so much garbage that needs to be shoved under the rug in the first place? It all begins with a root of deceit of some kind, whether it is lying to everyone around you or lying to yourself. One things is for sure, when someone like me arrives on the scene, people get a little uncomfortable and when I kick the legs out from under destructive social norms which have developed over the generations, they really get uncomfortable.
The fact remains, the tongues that wag in my direction, spilling poison all over the place with every single derisive word, usually have the stain of deception upon them. The mark of a lie. It is all a lie which is being upheld by all the goodness that exists within my kids. It is an exploitation of their innocence to an alarmingly debased degree. It's like the wolves and coyotes have been keeping their eye on me and my family, salivating to get their hands on a little bit of the warmth and love we used to know as family. Well, that warmth and love was stolen from us, by person after person. All the ones who have sought to uphold the notion that I am some form of threat or unfit parent? Those folks fail to see the scope of the entire image and they do so because they fail to have the wherewithal to simply admit the whole story, not just the parts that uphold an illusion; an illusion that is nothing more than that. No one else in the world thinks the ones who are tearing me down in own way or another nearly as highly of them as they think of themselves. There is only one truth that is worth hearing in the entire catastrophe that my family has experienced in the last while and it is this; if you truly loved them, you would do something, anything, to help them repair their relationship with their mother. But you never even considered that, did you? Of course not. Rather, you have been all waiting with baited breath to get your proverbial hands on my kids, to absorb some of their inherent goodness and inherent light. Those things, by the way, come from ME and MY side of the family, it's just that you've never ever taken the time to get to know me well enough to realize that fact.
Well, folks. I am not your scapegoat. I am not the one who destroys private property, upholds substance abuse above all else, or tells lies to cover my tracks. Instead, I tell the truth and hold my ground because, for all the ones who are out there spreading vicious gossip about me, without the benefit of actually knowing one goddamned thing about my life? Or giving me credit for how well I navigated the hell my ex-husband put me through? Well, for as many of you that are out there treating me with such infuriating injustice, there are twice as many who do know me, have spent time with me, and who know the truth. They have my back and they told me so. I am not alone in this world despite the rampant abandonment of all those people who were otherwise morally and ethically obligated to be here for me. Oh well.
What goes around, comes around. This much I know is true.
It's a New Moon in November. Welcome to something new.
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